I can remember my breath shaking with panic, as I stared out the bathroom window in my mom’s house, watching the street for the car that was supposed to come. I felt so silly, but I couldn’t help it… I was devastated.
It was summer, and I was home after a year of university. I had made plans to spend the evening with my best friend from high school, who had been attending college in a different province. I was so excited to see her, highly anticipating the hour she had promised to arrive. But the hour came, and went, and anticipation turned to despair.
I had been forgotten. I had been passed over for something better. I didn’t matter.
For the majority of my middle and high school years, I suffered from deep feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. I felt that I, weird-singer/songwriter-girl with my interest in church and faith, had little in common with other people my age in my small farming town. I longed to be part of a group, to fit in, to be accepted. When I moved away from home and started university, however, I started to meet other people like me—young adults who were passionate about their faith and others that were interested in making music. I didn’t feel so alone anymore, and started to feel excited about being who God had made me to be.
But here I was, in my mom’s bathroom, completely losing it because of one person choosing not to be around me. It brought back all that insecurity, stripping away the last year of increased confidence.
“It shouldn’t matter what they think, but somehow it always does. Am I still no good, because I never was?”
I had succumbed to something that is incredibly damaging when it comes to our self-worth—I was hinging my value on the opinions of other people. If I was loved and accepted by others, then I felt worthy. If I was, well, left behind by a friend, I felt worthless.
Galatians 1:10 says, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” It is nearly impossible for us to focus on God’s love and will for us if we continue to define ourselves by the fragile opinions of the people around us.
What I was, and still am learning, is that it’s God’s opinion of us that really matters. If we can hinge our self-worth on HIS opinion of us, then we can walk through our days knowing we are infinitely valuable. We are so valuable to God that He sent His Son to gather us back to Him. Our adoring Father never leaves us behind or forgets about us, but calls us to confide and rest in His deep, complete love. The longing of our souls, the same longing I expressed when I wrote this song, is only answered by THIS Love.
Read Romans 8:37-39. Trust that NOTHING has the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Saviour. NOTHING. Join me in praying that we would trust God’s Voice of love and acceptance for us above any other noise.
In the end, my friend did end up coming for me. I hadn’t been forgotten after all. I quickly wiped my tears away and ran out of the house to join her. But I have been forgotten and passed over since then. What brings me through each time is that I have been found by the Truest Love, and to Him, I always matter.
- Jennifer Jade Kerr